There's a small ongoing debate in the comments of this entry over at Virusdoc about spanking. He asked for help determining the right or wrong of spanking. My take on his post is that he's against spanking, but his little boy is pushing he and his wife to the brink (and over recently). Adding to an already difficult situation, his in-laws have been pressuring them to spank him. It seems that other methods aren't working, but spanking does not seem to be right.
Serious abuse is obvious. Out of control parents, sometimes intoxicated, repeatedly beating kids for minor trespasses for extended lengths of time. These are obvious cases. But many against spanking would say that there is no 'obvious case' that is just spanking, not abuse. I think there is.
Coincidentally, I heard a segment on NPR's Tavis Smiley show on spanking on June 16th (listen: Windows Media or Real Player). My wife also got a book from the library recently called "I refuse to raise a brat" which is profoundly against spanking, so spanking has been on my mind. In the book they cite situations of kids being slapped across the face and being hit in public as examples of why spanking is bad. To my thinking, this is at best poor practice of spanking, but really closer to abuse. So what is the difference between abuse and spanking?
The pediatrician, Dr. Den Trumbull, that was on Tavis Simley's show I think spoke very eloquently on the distinction. He speaks of 'proactive not reactive' spanking. Often, when we see spanking, it is a reaction to behavior, a parent pushed over the edge. It's the arm grab, yank and multiple swats of the disobedient child in the grocery store, often accompanied by shouting. This is not proper spanking, and it's no wonder that people get up in arms when they see this kind of behavior.
Dr. Trumbull offers these guidelines, which pretty closely match our practice in our home:
1. Spanking should be used selectively for clear, deliberate misbehavior, particularly that which arises from a child's persistent defiance of a parent's instruction. It should be used only when the child receives at least as much encouragement and praise for good behavior as correction for problem behavior.
2. Milder forms of discipline, such as verbal correction, time-out, and logical consequences, should be used initially, followed by spanking when noncompliance persists. Spanking has shown to be an effective method of enforcing time-out with the child who refuses to comply.
3. Only a parent (or in exceptional situations, someone else who has an intimate relationship of authority with the child) should administer a spanking.
4. Spanking should not be administered on impulse or when a parent is out of control. A spanking should always be motivated by love for the purpose of teaching and correcting, never for revenge.
5. Spanking is inappropriate before 15 months of age and is usually not necessary until after 18 months. It should be less necessary after 6 years, and rarely, if ever, used after 10 years of age.
6. After 10 months of age, one slap to the hand of a stubborn crawler or toddler may be necessary to stop serious misbehavior when distraction and removal have failed. This is particularly the case when the forbidden object is immovable and dangerous, such as a hot oven door or an electrical outlet.
7. Spanking should always be a planned action, not a reaction, by the parent and should follow a deliberate procedure.
- The child should be forewarned of the spanking consequence for
designated problem behaviors.
- Spanking should always be administered in private (bedroom or
restroom) to avoid public humiliation or embarrassment.
- One or two spanks should be administered to the buttocks. This
is followed by embracing the child and calmly reviewing the
offense and the desired behavior in an effort to reestablish a
warm relationship.
8. Spanking should leave only transient redness of the skin and should never cause physical injury.9. If properly administered spankings are ineffective, other appropriate disciplinary responses should be tried, or the parent should seek professional help. Parents should never increase the intensity of spankings.
This list is taken from a well documented article that analyzes the available research on spanking and the common arguments against it. (The article is part of the web page of Paul Poelstra, Ph.D. of Biola University, found by Google search. His web page has other links to spanking resources.)
In my home, our girls are warned that a spanking is to come if they persist in what they're doing. If a spanking is necessary, we sit down and talk about it first. We make sure they understand what they've done and why they are getting spanked. Immediately after the spanking, we hold them and reassure them. We then ask for an apology, and follow it with an assurance of forgiveness. Then all is forgotten and it's on with life.
I think spanking has a place in the home. I think that most kids would benefit from the proper use of spanking, similar to the guidelines outlined above. However, I would also say that no parent who's conscience is violated by spanking their child should be pressured into doing so. The scriptures talk of the benefits of physical discipline of children (Proverbs 13:24, 22:15, 23:13) but they also say that anything that is done outside of faith is sin (Romans 14). Do your homework, and then let your conscience be your guide, whether to spank or not to spank.
Glad you enjoyed the commenting buttons. :-D
You make some interesting points and distinctions about spanking. I think spanking can work if done in a manner similar to the way you discussed it. In our home, we always try other methods of discipline first. Spanking is a last resort and is done calmly. It is not done as some sort of parental temper tantrum. I find that other forms of discipline usually work best, but there are times when a spanking can be effective. There is actually a really great debate about spanking at www.opposingviews.com/questions/is-spanking-an-acceptable-form-of-discipline. Experts from both sides debate the issue and make some good points.
Thanks for your comments. This post gets a lot of search engine traffic from folks looking for things on 'spanking vs. abuse', but (as you can tell), few leave comments.
Our kids are older now, beyond the age that we feel that spanking is appropriate. I still stand by my comments that spanking can be appropriate.
This is how I experienced spanking, and am always baffled by how anyone can call it abuse. Thank you.
i totally agree with you katie thank you
Glad you found them encouraging, thanks for stopping by.
i have been raised by parents that spank and i disagree that spanking is abuse, everything a parent does these days seems to be child abuse. i just dont get what people think. parents have the right to spank a child if they feel it is necessary. people need to get over the fact that there is a difference between spanking and child abuse!!!
My brother and I were spanked from 2-12 years old.When you hit a child so hard that they urinate and defecate on the floor that is a crime and the person who commits that crime should go to prison.
Courtney, Konner - Thanks for your comments. This post gets a lot of search engine traffic and I'm always encouraged when folks comment.
Bones - That's sad, I'm sorry to hear about what you experienced. I certainly wouldn't call that spanking, that's abuse. As I stated here, there is a difference. I'd agree with you, what you've described should be and is a crime.
I was spank as a child. Ibelieve that spanking isn't abuse. The only time it would act on if the child has a mark or a bruise on their bodies. Spanking doesn't cause violence. The people that your child hangs out with and the places they go cause problems.
I been around kids who are mistreating their parents, bad behaviors, and getting pregnant early, drinking and smoking, having sex are mostly the ones who haven't had any discipline growing up or boundaries. So I know I can say that spanking teaches your child from right and wrong. Helps them to be better and to know that it was worth going through it no matter what. BUT if spanking turns into CHILD abuse that's when authorities can step in! Other than that situation a law shouldn't be made of how you deal with your kids. Theres no handbook or parenting 101.
I agree it CAN be effective but I don't think enough of us who did or do spank can honestly say we always follow the guidelines. I did not "relax" first before administering it on the spot (reactive), and I know that probably made it counterproductive. I have therefore stopped because I knew I wasn't doing the positive encouragement part enough, either. I have found that focusing more on "prevention" than "cure" is ultimately more effective - but does take a bigger investment of time. Let's be honest - who has "more time" these days? I still fall victim to punishing rather than taking the time to prevent, but I am working on getting better at that, and ramping down the intensity of ANY kind of punishment. I think that along with the above guide should be a REQUIRED reading section, making as many points about how to positively encourage, and build a solid relationship with your child. If you arne't doing these things, you probably have no business doling out spankings.
Thank you for this article. As a parent I continually find myself frustrated and challenged by my child and though I was spanked as a child, I really did not want to go that route, but I found myself resorting to it.
I felt guilt after spanking and worried that I was in fact abusing my child, why else would I feel guilt? But the more I researched the more I realized I was doing the correct thing and it was natural to feel guilt because no parent wants to cause tears, etc... This article reinforces that I am using spanking properly and as a last resort.