When did I sit down? When did I decide that it was OK to rest, to take a break? When did I decide that the status quo was acceptable? When did keeping silent become the preferred thing to do?
This is not what I signed up for, to let the world go by unchallenged. No, becoming a Christian was about dreaming big, thinking big and acting big. In the past few years I've seen some real needs for big dreams and big voices in our churches. I've tried to be one of those voices, with various levels of success.
But lately I've been tired. Tired of fighting, tired of speaking up, tired of being what felt like a lone voice. I've grown quiet, and sat back and watched. I sat down.
Monday night, three of the deacons got together for the first time in a long, long time. We talked about the church, our roles and our frustrations. We agreed on much, but decided on one thing, that we needed to keep getting together. We have a responsibility to God, to our church, to our minister and to each other. It felt so good to get with these men, I missed this so much.
It was in front of this backdrop that it hit me that I had sat down. Not that the Christian life is all about some Great Battle or always about fighting for some Important Idea, but that there are things worth fighting for, to the end.
It's time to strengthen these feeble knees and stand up again.
Even God rested. It's okay to sit down or even lie down. just don't stay there.
I know exactly where you are coming from. Many times I have found myself just sitting...wondering...wandering.
Thanks for your post....
Good, honest post. I don't believe I have ever decided to sit down... but I have found myself there nonetheless more times than I wish to admit. Thanks be to the grace of God who gives us time, another chance, and the fellowship of friends to get us on our feet again. Stand your ground, my friend. It matters.
I'm sure you know that our Master, and his servant, our fellow brother in Christ, Paul, could understand what it is you are feeling. Paul went years of climbing up hill, and we know his response. "To live is Christ, to die is gain." Imagine being that tired. It's hard to. My hope is that you are fighting the right battle, and thus bearing good fruit (now or later). I will continue to pray for your situation.
To everything there is a season. I too feel like I am in a season of resting, enjoying, not fighting. Are there things I know I must still ultimately change? Yes. But for some reason, not struggling seems the right thing to do right now. Perhaps this is a great deception. I prefer to accept it as a great mercy. I don't know which camp you're in right now, but I do believe that we cannot always be "fighting the good fight". That's a metaphor for the Christian life that is over-used and slanted. As capt_eucalyptus said above: even God rested; even Christ fell asleep in the stern of the boat; even Paul at times felt spirtually inert. We see it as an integral part of Christian love to deal with others in similar situations with grace and patience; why should we not also give ourselves permission to deal gracefully with ourselves?
I appreciate the encouragement to not feel to guilty about resting. I agree with the fact that there is a time for sitting and resting. Jesus did. God did. It's not the fact that I was resting that I was commenting on, more how it seems to have snuck up on me. All of a sudden I find that I'm firmly on my bum doing nothing. Not a 'I need a break for a minute.' rest but a 'I don't wanna!' kind of rest. The former is both healthy and needed, the latter is dangerous.
I think it was getting with 2 of the 3 other deacons and having a good talk that re-awakened the desire to stand again. I still feel the couch pulling - hard - but the Spirit is saying, it's time to get up and take a stand again, and I'm listening.
'Doc, I too think that the idea of 'fighting the good fight' being a constant actual fight is saying too much. I do believe, however, that being a Christian is a constant battle and we must be ever on our guard. We must be consistently on our guard and at battle with our own sinful nature, the pull of the world and the influence of Satan in our lives. These things are real, and when we stop resisting them we, ever so slowly, slip away from God. Not slip away in the 'loosing our salvation' sense (although that's ultimately a possibility), but slipping away in the 'lack of intimacy with God' sense. We may wake up one day and wonder where God went when it was we who slowly drifted away.
There's more to say on that, but it's late.
Salguod, thanks so much for the post. I totally get what you're trying to say, and I think it happens to the best of us. A while ago, my husband and I took a 10 day cruise, and I sat down and didn't get up the whole time that we were gone. When I got back and I got back into my routine of daily prayer, I realized that I hadn't take someone very important on vacation with me. I had slipped into a blue funk.
Here's to living and learning, sitting and standing, walking and running...
God Bless, April
I've been thinking and re-reading your last comment. I wanted to share something with you. I spent a decade and a half, and still to this day, watching with vigilence to not "slip" from God. Then I started to consider the fact that I will not get any closer to God, than Christ crucified and resurected. What I mean by that is that I was killing myself, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually trying to stay "spiritual." Sharing my faith, showing up to functions, having my prayer and bible reading times, and so forth. Then I realized that I was missing the elephant in the room. It is not my divine responsibility to remain spiritual. I will never be spiritual in the sense of my actions. I will only be as good as Christ Crucified and ressurected. My whole Christian responsibility is to express the love I've received by obeying the command of God, which is clearly defined by the love we share for our fellow Christians, and our neighbors. It is to express mercy, compassion, and forgiveness. It is not a heavy burdon of having the correct behavior every minute of the day. It is to forgive as I have been for given Ephesians 4:32. I had to stop, stop doing bad, and simply start what was doing good. Focus on what is doing good, and do that. You will sin as long as you live on earth. Period. Why stress out over a lull in the way things were going? Did you stop being compassionate and forgiving? Did you stop offering mercy to your neighbors? These are the things of God. Be holy as God is holy. Set apart by your purity and divine nobility. Being spiritually relaxed, and spiritually receeding can be two different things, if you let it. I wish you all too well and hope that from one "who's been there" to another you will find peace.
Wow. I needed that. Really. Thanks, Paul. More on this later.
Here is a quote from Elizebeth Parker:
"Should I live to change who I am, or change who I am by the way that I live?"
It's subtle, but there is a difference. I love that quote!