Things with our kids haven't been going as well as we'd like. My wife, because she spends more time with them, was more acutely aware of it. I frankly hadn't paid enough attention, to the kids or to her telling me they needed attention. (That's another post in itself.)
Maria's been reading a book called Smart Discipline, by Larry J. Koenig. Among other things (she's not through the whole book yet), it recommends a list of rules for the house and a progressive scale of discipline for infractions. Having recently read this post at tent pegs, we combined the ideas and came up with our 'House Rules' (although, after visiting Tent Pegs again, I like 'Family Code' better.) We will revisit these occasionally, and the kids will have a say in them each time. (Their suggestions this time were things like "Don't touch Mommy's clock." and "Don't climb on the furniture." (We decided those fall under respecting each other.)
They are principals that guide us, but with small children we thought that we needed to break them down, where possible, to some actual 'rules' that they could better understand and follow. We hope, though, that by incorporating them under bigger principals, they will be encouraged to think bigger and deeper than mere obedience.
Our family fears and serves God.
Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD."
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom,
and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.
Our family is honest and trustworthy.
The LORD hates every liar, but he is the friend of all who can be trusted.
But you want complete honesty, so teach me true wisdom.
Therefore:
- We will not lie; We will tell the whole truth
- We will not take things that are not ours
Our family is respectful and loving.
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
Therefore:
- We will not be disrespectful (with our voices or bodies).
- We will not fight (physically or verbally).
- We will not throw tantrums.
- We will not be foolish when not appropriate (at the table, in the car, etc).
Our family is orderly and hard working.
For God is not a God of disorder but of peace.
She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
Do your work willingly, as though you were serving the Lord himself, and not just your earthly master.
Therefore:
- We will do our chores without whining or complaining
- We will keep our home and bodies neat and orderly
Our family is obedient.
Keep his decrees and commands, which I am giving you today, so that it may go well with you and your children after you.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise— "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."
Therefore:
The discipline charts work like this. Each transgression merits a check mark. The first few are 'free', grace check marks - no consequence. After that, there is a consequence for each new check mark. There are 5 consequences on each kid's chart, specific to them and what will resonate with them. The last one on each is to be grounded to their room. For the younger two (under 9), their charts are daily charts. They get 3 'free' spots each day and their chart gets wiped clean each day. For the oldest, her chart is weekly. She gets 7 'free' spaces each week and her chart gets wiped clean each Sunday morning.
The system will help Maria and I as much as them. One of the biggest battles we face, as many parents do, is being consistent in our discipline. The kids need it but sometimes we get sentimental, lazy or even harsh. This will help us give our kids a fair and even face.
I truly believe this will produce results in our children. We put in place on Sunday and there's already a heightened awareness of doing the right thing. We will be on our guard to not produce little legalistsic slaves to the rules. But what we were seeing is them moving closer and closer to an ambivalence to rules, defiance of authority and a generally self focused demeanor. Our goal is to move them toward a greater respect for God, others and authority.
Hi Salguod,
Good to hear you're taking these parenting steps.
I'm also from an ICoC background, and one thing that interests me is when you say "We will be on our guard to not produce little legalistsic slaves to the rules" - how are you planning to avoid that?
In your post, and in much parenting stuff I read, the gospel (and particularly the person and work of Christ and ongoing ministry of the Spirit) doesn't really come through strongly. If it's true for adults that the letter kills but the Spirit gives life, is it not also true for children?
I've posted on this twice (including a sermon) at:
http://unveiledface.blogspot.com/2005/06/children-and-pharisaism.html
and:
http://unveiledface.blogspot.com/2005/04/preaching-on-parenting.html
I would also recommend 3 books: "Teach them Diligently" (Priolo), "Age of Opportunity" (P Tripp), "Shepherding a Child's Heart" (T Tripp).
Yours in Christ's holy name,
Mick
Oh, by the way, one of the aspects of all this that has most impacted me is redefining the word for correction/discipline (you have referred to is as "punishment") above.
When you consider that God disciplines those he loves but one day will punish the unbelieving, there's quite a difference. One has a redemptive purpose - it is not a just punishment that repays what the sin deserves but rather a corrective measure that has a positive/restorative/redemptive/reconcilliatory outcome. The other is a just wrath that is unimaginably horrific. We are called to discipline our children in the image of God disciplining us - "punishment" is probably a poor term and model.
In Christ,
Mick
I am sooo glad to read this. For the longest time I have wanted to come up with a list or chart or something but I am not very good at that. We will have to meet sometime to go over parenting things, besides it has been awhile anyway that we have gotten together and the kids to hang out.
My kids always seem to be an exception to the majority rules. With one being ADHD-hyperactive, OCD tendancies and the other one ADHD-impulsive, ODD, mood disorder...it makes parenting that more challenging b/c the norm just does not work. Right now we are using little charts for different goals. The current charts are brushing teeth, quiet bed time, good car behavior, no name calling and every morning we put on the stickers that they have earned. At certain intervals little prizes will be won. And this technique seems to work. This past year with all the issues we had a school with Cameron, we used a prize reward system. It reinforces and rewards the postives behaviors.
Another thing that I have learned is that I have to take care of myself. And it all seems to start with the parent. I have to make sure I have my needs met so I can successfully take care of my kids. B/c those days where the patience and tolerence have run out are not very fun days for anyone involved.
It surely is a learning experience and the rules seem to change all the time. It is nice to have the support of others to help along the way. The old adage is that it takes a village to raise a family and I believe that is so true. Being a single parent, I can always use help and for me the village is my church.
Great post and I will have to study those scriptures. Thanks!!
Mick,
It's good to hear from another ICoC (or is it former?) blogger. I haven't had the time to go read your site yet, but I will.
I agree with you on the term punishment', and I replaced it with 'discipline'. In fact, I had already replaced it once later in the post before publishing it and hadn't caught the earlier one, thanks for pointing it out. While I think that punishment is an an appropriate part of discipline, it should me secondary at best.
In avoiding "legalistic slaves to the rules", honestly I don't completely know how to do that. I have some ideas, but not a complete solution.
For one, keeping our eyes open for signs of legalism and talking to them about it and asking questions. For example, one night this week I could tell that Emily was scared of the next item on her 'discipline' chart, nearly to tears. I reminded her that Mom and Dad loves her and would be fair and just, that we would not punish her because we were angry or just because. That helped. Frankly, when I get anxious about some consequence in my life, that's the reminder I need. God is a just and loving God and will not treat me unfairly. Re-focus off the rules and consequences and onto God.
Also, I think that keeping our rules focused on practical expressions of heart issues helps. It's not about do this and don't do that, but be this way and if we are to be like that, then we will do this and not that.
I think that translating from the things that are appropriate for small children (simple do and don't obedience & consequences focus) to what works for bigger kids, preteens and teens can be challenging. I want to do that by starting relatively young talking about bigger heart issues and always bringing things back to that. Always showing them the larger principal at work will help them be prepared to make judgment calls later in life on things they never imagined.
Sherri,
Thanks for the kind words and yes, let's get together soon.
I agree that a focus on positive reinforcement is necessary, although this post doesn't show that side of things. We try to consistently encourage our kids and praise them for their 'good deeds'. I understand that there's quite a bit of that in this book as well.
I love your kids, and I really love how you lead them. Although it may seem that due to their personality (like my Emily) that they're always in trouble, don't let that discourage you. In fact, love them all the more and be their champion because the world around them will constantly be looking down on them. I know that Emily struggles at times because she's seen as the trouble kid. She doesn't always put that together, but she does. She sees that people see her as being in trouble a lot. Maria and I try to champion her cause and are careful to reveal her folly in order to try not to make things worse (although at times it's hard not to share because it can be pretty funny!)
You and your kids are in a challenging situation and you are leading them through it quite well. Never under estimate the impact you are having on them, it's quite profound. Watching how consistent you are with them, how you don't give up, how you're doing it alone and, most importantly, how it is molding their hearts; you are one of my 'hero parents' in the church.
None of us parents are born with a perfect understanding with how to raise kids. We learn through advice, trial and error and lots of prayer. It says something about your character that you see that your parenting could improve and are willing to do research, try new things and pray along the way to do so. Please let us know how it goes so we can gain from your wisdom.
Hi Salguod,
Thanks for replying.
I do most of the preaching at a church in Brisbane, Australia, that was ICoC. I guess there's never been any official parting, but these days I think we really *are* non-denominational and certainly somewhat more Christ-centric than we once were.
Warmly,
Mick
Salguod,
I liked hearing about this, and it has definitely illustrated to me a personal need for more structure for our son. We are not very good at structure at our house, with myself being the worst. I don't let things slide, but I do a lot of stuff on the fly. It's good when you need to be ready to change gears, but it doesn't do much in the way of preventing future mishaps, and it doesn't help my son to learn not the make the same mistakes over and over.
This is a problem that we have been having, and I think I will borrow some of your ideas and try it on our end for a while. Thanks for your post.
God Bless, April