Someday ...
I want to drive to work without thinking "Why didn't you signal? Get out of the left lane! Can't you see your signal is still on? Why would anyone buy that car? Make up your mind, pass me or not. Don't you check your mirrors? Let's go!"
Someday ...
I want to see another's opinions and decisions as valid and reasonable at first, rather than wonder why they don't see things or do things my way and having to remind myself that I don't have all the answers later.
Someday ...
I want to interpret the silent look of a friend, or my wife, or my parents, or a coworker, as simple thoughtfulness, or daydreaming, or quiet praise or ... just silence. Not as I usually do, wondering if they're disappointed in me, hurt by me, upset with me or angry at me. Like everyone has nothing to do other than think about me.
Someday ...
I want to be able to trust that those who love me are on my side, not trying to force me into their mold or to make me behave a certain way.
Someday ...
I want to look at the world, at everyone's choices & preferences, without defaulting to criticism & judgment.
Someday ...
I want to look at my friends, my family and not assume that they are like me - always critical, always making judgments. I want to assume that they approve, or at least that they don't disapprove.
Someday ...
I want my default mindset to be grace. Without having to think first. I want to easily trust. Without having to remind myself that I should.
Someday ...
Until then, I simply want the ability to live with my sinful, broken self as I am. To walk day to day without cringing at my every thought and action.
That seems hard enough, let alone making the journey to someday.
Someday...
I would like to have the contrite spirit you have!
Very good. A nice reminder for all of us with our some days
I share many of those things. I think most, if not all, are a dad thing. How our dad's responded to us, etc. Thank God that we can change and be different though I think many father/son stuff we hold onto all our lives. We just get fewer "episodes." The encouraging part though is that we can treat our kids differently and they prayerfully won't have the same struggles. Well, except maybe with "why did you buy that car?"
Thanks folks.
BEG - I think you're right about the Dad thing. I see a lot of my Dad in me and a lot of his Dad in him. At the same time, however, there's a lot of my Dad that I'm not and the same is true for him. That's for the good and the bad. After all, I've had my victories but I have my own issues and sin that he had nothing to do with.
As I look at myself now, I see so much of Dad's sin living in me it's scaring and somewhat depressing. I wasn't going to be that! But it's also humbling, because I'm sure that my Dad said the same thing about his Dad, yet he's much like him.
In the end, I just feel more compassion & grace for him because I know better what it's like to be him and feel trapped by your genetics and past. It makes me want to treat him with a lot more grace, trust and understanding, because that's what I hope folks will give me.
Not that he's some kind of ogre, far from it. He's one of the most compassionate men I know. I like to think I've inherited some of that too. But he and I and Grandpa all have a pretty serious critical, prideful streak that tends to grab center stage and become what we're known for.
It's been a tough year for me with this stuff. I've come to realize both that I'm a dreadfully critical person at heart, and that I'm one of the worst at living up to my own standards. When I think of Matthew 7:2, I cringe:
I hope that God was joking, that he will not judge me as I have judged. Lord have mercy.Well, I just wrote out a long comment on how although we can never "deserve" heaven, we can most definitely be counted worthy of it. I also went into great deal of explanation of how Matthew 7 deals with religious hypocrisy in context with the Sermon on the Mount. Although there are scriptures that make it plain that we will never accumulate "Merit" enough for God, there are certainly scriptures that talk about being worthy of the Gospel. But I bagged all that and wrote this instead:
Doug, I still say that you are far too self-judgmental than you are self-merciful. I only think that it is an extension of your guilt. There are scriptures that talk of finding confidence before the Judgment seat, and I encourage you to find them (email if you need some help).
I think that when we get so self analytical that we tend to do the devils work, and judge ourselves out of our relationship with God, and then we have made an error in what God wants for our lives. Taking one another scriptures, and raising them to be above other scriptures, and manipulating them to mean one over another – which only brings an atmosphere of where we are in a perpetual state of reminding ourselves of our own sin, and thus creating a self destructive, faith crippling, mind set of perpetual inferiority before God. – then we lose focus on what is important here, not our sinful nature, and how good we are in battling it, but an outward thinking of external obedience, which according to biblical callings, is the love that we express for those around us, visa vie our Love for God.
Do you honestly think, according to everything you know about the bible, that the Great God of this Universe, who has named each star, and counted each hair on your head, wants us to beat ourselves up and walk around with heavy burdens of self condemnation? There is no biblical evidence for that, AT ALL!
I am reminded of Ecclesiastes when it says that there is a time for everything, and I believe that whole heartedly. Sometimes we mourn, and need to be filled with contrition for our sin (2 Corinthians 7), there are also times that we need to rejoice in life, and creation, and salvation, and affection, and in beauty, and in harmony, and in worship, and in prayer, and mostly in thanksgiving! We must look at how far we have come, and know that we have spent years fighting the battle, to do what the bible says, only.
Doesn't this following scripture apply to your feelings in your last comment?
Doug, I have known you for about 8 years, and I have never known you to break either of these commandments. You have always shown me love, you and your wife, at all times. You have great fruit of love, as per scripture. Not only have you converted not a few, you have also encouraged many in their relationship with God and his people, be that as it may.
Sometimes I get sick of hearing myself talk...Could you imagine living with me? What a curse! Truthfully, I don't vocalize one tenth of what I write. Uugh, there I go again...
Paul - Thanks so much for your encouraging words.
I had something longer written up too, but I scrapped it. Too much blather.
I'll just say thanks, I appreciate it. I do need to see God's grace. I'm still learning through this. I think that one day I'll suddenly look back and say, wow, look at that, I'm different. And that's only going to happen through God's working.
You are a good man Doug, and I appreciate the heart that you have. It is easy to encourage you because it just comes out from the fruit of your character. Perhaps in your heart, prayers, meditation, and the seeking of input and advice, you can ask yourself some hard questions about your own self esteem. We know that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and by nature objects of wrath, but that is such a small part of the message of God. I think our psyches' pick up on certain scripture and dwell on them needlessly. Just a thought...