Emily is my middle, about to turn 10 in a couple of weeks. In some ways, however, she's beat her older sister to puberty. She's wrestling with her own soul, it seems, these days, and dragging Mom and Dad (and whoever happens to be around) into the fight with her. It's exhausting at times, for Emily does nothing and feels nothing in small doses. She lives life and feels it in the extreme.
This week she's grounded from some of her favorite things. In Emily's world it's all about her and she genuinely doesn't understand that there are others to be considered. It sounds odd, perhaps, to put it that way, but I think that's the case, she just can't grasp the concept of considering other people. One day she will, but not now. This self immersion gets her in trouble, but I know that if this is not broken in her, she will never find peace and will never find God. It's hard, but it cannot be ignored.
She cried tonight and told me she wanted her Ellie (a treasured stuffed elephant, she likes pink Milly) back. "Not until Wednesday," I said, "but if you show me a changed heart ... "
"But how do I do that?" she interrupted, through tears.
I stood at her bed speechless, tears forming on my own cheeks.
How indeed, Emily, how indeed.
Gee-Whiz dude, I wish I had some words of wisdom, but just fresh from reading that, I don't. I will pray and seek wisdom. I think of my own daughter. She is an only child, but yet, she is over sensitive. Too often she thinks of how others feel. This is part of her insecurity from being over weight (we are working on that btw. She has lost 5 pounds in the past three wweeks, very excited) and I feel like it is the polar opposite, but the same issue none the less. It is a matter of personal security and her compassion to the cross that will help her overcome her insecurities. If your Emily is about to turn 10, as is ours, then I highly recommend the "Cross" video made by KNN productions. When Emily and I watched it together this Easter, it broght tears to our eyes. Her little mind was trying to figure out why Jesus would do that. Of course she won't fully understand it for four or five more years from now, when she starts understanding how her sin impacts others...huh...That's it dude, have a family time and do some role playing. Have someone in the family portray a sin, like lying or some such, and role play it out to the fullest extent and so Emily can see it. And just do that over and over. That's what we did with Emily when she was six. It kind of back fired on us though because of her age I assume, but i'm sure this age is just right. Just thought. I knew if I talked out loud enough it would come to me. As I remember our role playing with Emily, it was basic standard stuff. I mean, really simplistic role playing, but we knew if she could figure it out in a basic way, she would be able to do it in a larger, more mature way when she became older through the years. Just a thought...
Tough love is tough. She'll be ok too. She's got two great examples in you guys.
We had a child like that. We called her our "very" child, because everything she did was "very...". In her angry or frustrated moments, we found that it helped to listen to her and to make her feel understood. It didn't help to try to reason with her when she was overcome with angry emotions. (We had those talks later after she was calmed down). We also found it helpful to talk to her about the future... What would happen to Daddy if he acted like this at work? (he'd be fired) Do you want to be like that when you grow up? (no) When do you want to start changing? (thoughtful silence...)
Sometimes she would be very upset about something, and we'd point out that within two weeks she would forget what she was upset about. We'd remind her of a previous event where she was very upset. "Do you remember what you were upset about then?" (no) etc.
Talks like that helped her, with consistent reasonable punishments for misbehavior, lots of unconditional love, and patience. It didn't change overnight but she turned out just fine ;-)
I have housed several items in my closet lately, not one pink elephant ;-} lots of little stuffed treasured puppies.
My daughter can't understand that life is not her show. She is compassionate and loving but all the words her stage and her teacher has new grey hairs.
I would have her do a bit of volunteer work. Giving something to others is helpful in making them understand life a bit better. There are several things that are geared for families to do together.
I think she has the heart more then you realize right now she is your baby. Ten is a time of growing up and it's hard they just don't know what to do with themselves. The hard part is that it's just the beginning. I have a thirteen year old also, wait until you see that age. *-*
Aaahhhh, greatly floweth the river of wisdom...
Thanks for the comments folks. Just so you know, my post was more a commentary on her desperate question of "How do I do that?" than anything. I've been wrestling myself with that very question - How can I change who I am in my heart? When she said it, it literally brought tears to my eyes.
What I didn't go into was our discussion afterwards of how it's God that changes the heart, but we must be willing. She must see that she needs to change and seek change and God will move. A little deep for 10 years old, but that's the truth nonetheless.
P - Thanks for the thoughts and ideas. I am absolutely faithful that God will bring her through. Randy S. used to say that our kids have to go through their own conversion experiences and it's quite true. It's just hard to watch. My goal is to guide and direct her as she finds her way.
Beg - Thanks. :-)
Alan - The 'Very' girl, I like that. Emily and I have had those talks. Once she (and I) calms down, we've had those kind of talks. She's very responsive, but I sense she doesn't quite 'get it' yet. She will, and when she does, watch out world.
Milly - That comment was in reference to a comment you left at codepoke's blog. Probably too far removed to make the connection. :-P
Nope I remember my little obsession with the pachyderms. I love them and find that they are great illustrations in Millyisms. Codepoke needed some to get him back in the swing of it.
Then you and Emily would get along well. She has some 30 stuffed, plastic, ceramic and other elephants in her room. But Ellie, a little pink with blue feet, stuffed elephant with a rattle inside, is her favorite. It was placed by a friend in her bassinet in the hospital on the day of her birth and she hasn't slept without it much since.