Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters - Chapter 2

My reading of Meg Meeker's Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters stalled, but I'm picking it back up. My posting on it just flat died, so I'm going to try to catch up.

Chapter 2 - She needs a hero.

What does a hero do? A hero has strong convictions. Unwavering convictions. A hero stands firm. A hero will step in, even when it's uncomfortable, unpopular or even dangerous. A hero puts others' needs before their own.

Firemen. Paramedics. Soldiers. Doctors. Knights. Things every kids wants to be at some point. Why? They're all heroes and we want to be the hero.

Meg points out "I have news for you. Your daughter wants a hero - and she has chosen you. (pg. 29)" I don't know about the rest of you Dads, but that puts a lump in my throat.

One of the powerful things about the way this book is written is how Dr. Meeker intertwines her words with examples from her practice and experience that back them up. This chapter includes several stories of men who were heroes to their girls and how it strengthened them, and one of a man who failed to rush to his daughter's side and how it devastated her.

Your daughter needs and wants you to lead. Lead with determination, conviction and authority. She gets security from your authority. You're big, strong, tough and she leans on that. Dr. Meeker says:

The only way you will alienate your daughter in the long term is by loosing her respect, failing to lead, or failing to protect her. If you don't provide for her needs, she will find someone else who will - and that's when the trouble starts. Don't let that happen. (pg. 30)

She may test you, push back, challenging your authority.

... remember that when she pushes hard against your rules, flailing, crying that you are mean or unfair, she is really asking you a question: Am I worth the fight, Dad? Are you strong enough to handle me? (pg. 32)

At every stage of life, she's going to be looking to you for guidance. Tell her what you believe, don't be afraid to jump in with your opinions. This seems obvious to me, that's what parents are to do. But I can find myself getting shy about forcing my way on her. Is it really the right thing to do? Yep, absolutely says Dr. Meeker. She needs to find her way, yes, but my experience and wisdom need to light the path as she does. Otherwise, she'll be groping in the dark and who knows what she might find. I need to act with authority.

Dad, that's what your daughter wants from you. Your daughter doesn't have to like your mannerisms, your rules, your clothes or your political views, but you never what to loose her respect. And you won't if you live your moral beliefs and act with authority. If you d that, you'll be a hero in her eyes. (pg. 39)

One of the toughest things about this, is keeping at it. We get tired and our girls are relentless. I know that I wear down quickly when the choruses of "Please! Pretty, please!" start up. As they get older it can be tempting to let our guard down more, but the dangers are even greater. We have to persevere.

If only you had to fight for her once, twice or even ten times, the process wouldn't be so tough. But you might have to fight for her two hundred times. You only have eighteen short years before she is on her own. If you don't show her the high road now, she won't find it later. Perseverance in setting her on that road isn't easy. She might appear embarrassed by your interventions. She might sulk. She might even say that she hates you. But you can see what she can't. You know how sixteen year old boys react when they see her in a halter top. you know how even one beer can make her unsafe to drive. You know a lot more than she does, and however hard it is to persevere in leading her the right way, you have to do it. (pg. 42)

She ends with some tips (pg. 47-48):

1. Make a plan. Your vision for her life will be clearer when she's younger. Write it down and stick to it.


2. Have courage under fire. You'll be fired upon from all sides, keep your cool and lead by your convictions.


3. Be the Leader. This is the hardest for me. I'm a softy, but I can see things she can't. "She's still a kid. So you lead; don't let her."


4. Don't cave, persevere. "Heroes see a battle through to the end, they never run away."

This seems daunting to me. I'm too soft, I cave too quickly. But Dr. Meeker ends with hope:

This is a tall order, but I have seen enough heroic fathers to know that it's an order that every good man can fill if he sets himself to it. ... You were made a man for a reason. ... So listen to your instincts, and do what's right. Be a hero. (pg. 48)