I think I'm Ready

I think I'm ready to get back to blogging. Maybe. I know, technically I never stopped, but posts about suicidal squirrels isn't exactly why I started this thing. Back when I started, there was a lot of stuff on my mind and I wanted a place to explore it and present it.

[OK, here's the irony - I started writing this almost two weeks ago. Well, I did say maybe ... :-P]

These past months, there's been stuff on my mind, but I've been less interested in writing about it. Actually, I've started writing about it several times, but got no where. Too much buzzing in my brain. Too much circular logic. The weight of the world felt like it was on my shoulders. Everywhere I looked I saw issues, problems and sin.

• First it was my sin. My criticalness, my anger, my impatience, my intolerance. The hardest part wasn't just seeing it, it was knowing that it was so ingrained in me, so much a part of me as to be inseperable. I couldn't see myself as separate form that sin. I couldn't see how I could escape it.
• Then it was the sin in others. My kids can be disobedient and mean at times, my wife fails (occasionally :-D), leaders falter, coworkers disspoint, I can be mistreated or misunderstood. I wanted to fix it, to make these things better, to help heal these situations. But then I realized that I can't even deal with myself, how can I possible deal with them?
• On top of that, the sin of others came in business after business treating me poorly. First it was our failed Weider exercise machine, fighting with the dealer over a second failed transmission (Honda was great, the dealer wasn't), a relatively expensive and highly rated Hoover vacuum started falling apart once the 12 month warranty was up, the issues with my car and then our relatively new dining room table began deteriorating and the magical 5 year warranty we bought turned out to be a scam (beware of Stainsafe). Everywhere I turned, companies weren't just out to sell me a product and take my money, it felt like they were out to get me, extracting as much money from me as possible while delivering as little as possible and refusing to stand behind their work. Is there no integrity among businesses anymore? Maybe there never was and I just never noticed.
• Then it came back to me. Maybe it was my critical heart that only saw the worst in people. Perhaps my standards were too high. How can I possibly live like this, not knowing if I'm the problem or them? It became a vicious circle of failure.

It was too much, to hard to sort through. There's no way I can sort through it and make sense of it. It seemed hopeless so I basically gave up.

I spent several weeks, a few months actually, without much prayer or Bible study. This has happened before in the ebb and flow of life. Business gets in the way. This was a bit different though. I didnt even care to pray or read. I'd sit and stare at my computer, reading about mundane things rather than pursue God. I simply didn't want to, what was the point.

I hit a particularly low point and one day indesparation went for a walk to pray. I didn't know what I would say but I knew that there was no peace coming in my head, only God could get me there. It was like fresh water to a man dying of thirst. I poured my heart out to Him and he answered. No voices, but answers none the less. I've had a few prayers like this since that have begun to heal my wounded soul and inspire me to start again. I don't think I'm ready to take the training wheels off, but I'm at least getting back on the bike. My prayers and study aren't yet what I want them to be, but my heart knows they are needed and I again feel the longing to commune with my father. That's a start.

God has shown me at least 2 things in my talks with him.

1. I need to know my place, and find peace in it. The echoes of many talks with my middle daughter came back to me. I am starting to think that she will be my salvation, as well as (hopefully) me hers. We are in surprisingly similar states. She presses constantly to be in control. She want to rule the world, well, at least her world. I tell her that she must learn her place, and be content in it.

   Those words echoed to me as I poured out my heart to God. I must learn my place. I will not be a world leader, influencing many to change. I cannot fix the sins of the world. It is not my role to turn the tide of the ICOC or even my own church. I cannot fix the world's problems, and that the way God designed it. Most will not be changed by my existence, and that OK. But for those few that I do connect with, I must give my heart and use what God has given me for their good. I will not make a dent in the direction of the world bent on sin, but I can profound change the lives of the few that I meet. The world may not notice that I'm here, but these will and that's all that matters. If I do that and nothing more, God will be well pleased.



2. Jesus is enough. In one prayer, driving home from Thanksgiving, I asked God how he can possibly deal with all this sin. He answered instantly in one word.

   Jesus.

   At once it seemed the obvious answer and at the same time inadequate. Yeah, OK, but I mean how do you handle it emotionally. I know he dealt with it, but ...

   I thought some more and realized that I wasn't willing to let Jesus to be enough. It was enough for God. It was how he dealt with the pain of watching our sin. I can never deal with my sin or the sin of others. It will always be there. Always. The only way to deal with it is Jesus. That's how God did it, that's His answer. Jesus is enough.

There's a lot more, and I hope to write more about stuff that matters (and stuff that doesn't).

Thanks for being here, listening.